Trauma Blog #5: Happy Birthday
It's been a couple weeks since I posted my last blog. This is part of my process. After four blogs I didn't think I would get burnt out. However, taking a two week break has given me enough time to realize what my last blog should cover. This doesn't mean I'm totally done talking about trauma, it just means that I'm ready to focus on life in general and I'm done with the regularity of this series. The last thing I want to discuss is the rest of my life. I want to focus on life after moving forward and creating a health-based lifestyle. The number one thing I've had to get used to is not being perfect. I mentioned perfection before; I want to unpack that: Two and a half years ago, I had a vision of myself as a healthy person, achieving my goals and coping with trauma in stride. I have to admit I am not the fully the person I envisioned two years ago. However, I am closer to that person I envisioned and I grow more stable everyday. The trick is to accept your past and what you've done. If you don't like something you've done in the past, you do not have to do it again. Now, all you need is effort. I will admit that my personal weakness has been procrastination and a lack of effort. There are obstacles ranging from inconvenient to dangerous that have kept me from doing the things I need to do and pursuing the opportunities I want. No more, I say. In order to stabilize, you have to rationalize. My traumatic experiences began when I was extremely young and unprepared. I was taught that I lived in a safe, egalitarian world and I should be polite. This kept me quiet and I coped privately with harmful vices. Today, on my 27th birthday, though I am still on the younger side of life, I realize that I am more educated and developed. I am prepared to avoid and cope with the harms of life as they come. There is no legitimate reason for me to return to my old vices and thought patterns. If I misstep, it is not the end of my progress, it's just a bump in the road and I can get back on track immediately. That is stability. I have to believe in myself and remind myself of this knowledge. The final piece is accepting the world outside of you; by this I mean the environment and social structure around you. Unfortunately, I see society's culture as almost entirely toxic. As a young woman, I am doubly-affected by the violent and obscene media and activities that surround us. I hope for a better, safer world, where we respect and take care of each other and our planet. This is not to say that I haven't participated in toxic culture, only that I aim to rise above it and wish for a generation to grow up without it. That is my big dream. Of course, that may not happen in my lifetime. Therefore, my life goal is to nourish myself and others any way I can. I believe writing is my thing, because I can never stop doing it. I want to hone this craft and use my skills for productive and helpful work. The conclusion of this comes down to my daily life. I must appreciate each waking moment, care for those that care for me and stay diligent. I am at a point where I am ready to do more and work harder. The memory of trauma haunts me, and bad things continue to happen, but I've learned to adapt and focus on remaining strong. Although I reach for a strength beyond what should be required, I am determined to thrive in life.