By in Personal

I just want a sick day

I have been feeling rubbish all week, pretty sure its some sort mild strain of flu. A few people in my work have it and lets face it my work is exactly the type of place you would pick something like that up.

Today I have a day off and I honestly felt like I had been hit by a bus this morning, so much worse than I had been feeling the last few days when I had to go work my twelve hour shifts in spite of my flu.

I was desperate for a sick day, just a day to lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself but it wasn't to be. I had to drive half an hour each way to go to Costco because I am the only one who drives. It was of course mobbed with it being a Saturday and the day before mothers day and I was honestly worried that I was going to pass out.

We then had to go across the street to Tesco to get all the regular food that you cant get in Costco before driving right through the city centre to get home where I almost ran down about 25 pedestrians who decided to cross sauchiehall street despite my light being green (if you have never been to Glasgow you wont understand but anyone who has ever visited the busiest pedestrian area in Scotland knows what its like to try to drive a car down one of the streets that crosses it)

I then came home and ventured into the kitchen to make some tea. I stay away from the kitchen as much as possible these days because every time I enter it I need to clean it and its getting beyond depressing. I recently bought a dishwasher and took the kitchen apart to accommodate it before steam cleaning the whole room within an inch of its life thinking that would solve the problem but apparently as well as being the only one who drives, cleans the bathroom, hoovers and knows how to manage money - I am now also the only person in the house that knows how to load a dishwasher too! Of course for the last 18 months I have also been the only one working.

It's been super hard for him with his depression and I honestly totally get that but I am getting more and more annoyed. He is quite capable of going to a group once a week, very capable of volunteering by teaching a class once a week and was even capable of travelling to the highlands for three days to go to a course that allows him to now teach this class. Yet he is still unable to get even a part time job and completely unable to do anything around the house when I am not here.

I feel really guilty for the way I feel but then I think why should I? I don't expect to come home to a sparkling palace with my dinner on the table the minute I come home from work but when I am not here for just short of fourteen hours to go to work is it really expecting too much to come home to find the dishwasher has been ran through?

Maybe I am too hard on him, he does do the cooking when I am working but I seem to remember when I had a less demanding schedule I managed to work, go to uni full time, clean the house and do ALL the cooking too.

I know this is a sign of his depression but he wont talk about it just says he doesn't know why he feels the way he does. I was in a state of depression myself a few weeks ago but apparently we cant talk about that because it makes him worse and he clearly has the monopoly on sadness in this house. Sometimes I want to run away.

Actually what I want to do is put a hidden camera up in our house and find out what the hell he does all day! I realise that's a bit extreme but I honestly want to try to understand. What if he is sitting here in the dark all depressed all day? Or perhaps he is sitting on his lazy bum all day doing nothing for no good reason, who knows? I'm mad but I don't know if I have the right to be. What a strange feeling.

Thanks for listening, I feel better.


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Comments

MegL wrote on March 26, 2017, 3:19 AM

Getting it off your chest helps. The flylady suffered very severe depression, as she relates in her book kitchen sink reflections. She needed medication and may have been hospitalised. She found that a regular routine helped her recover. She talks about baby steps, such as get up, get dressed, etc. She uses those baby steps for helping people get housework done but they work for most things. She has a web site at flylady.net
I have never been to Glasgow but it sounds fun.

Colibry21 wrote on March 26, 2017, 7:18 AM

Sometimes, we need to get things off our chests. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well and things have been difficult. Hopefully things get a little easier.

melody23 wrote on March 26, 2017, 7:29 AM

Don't get me wrong he will occasionally do some things around the house usually if I point out how important they are (think: I am wearing my last clean work uniform, can you please wash the others so I have something to wear tomorrow) He has been taking medication and is so much better than he was a year ago (he couldn't even leave the house) but I think the current state of things is not helping him. I think that he feels like I expect him to do everything in the house and he resents that while I feel that he probably should be doing the lions share of the housework given that I am out of the house for fourteen hours a day for work and he is here the whole time. I happily do housework when I am on days off but have gotten to the point where I am so annoyed by it that I literally refuse to do any on work days, not that I have time to anyway.

I will check that website out thank you

The city centre of Glasgow is a bizarre place, fascinating really but it is a constant battle between pedestrians and traffic. Pedestrians will run across roads when their light is red if they see the slightest gap in traffic and will even weave between cars when traffic is stopped momentarily. The particular part I was talking about yesterday is probably the worst street to drive down ever. It crosses sauchiehall street which is pedestrian only at that end, it and the street round the corner are prime shopping areas and literally in the centre of the city so always busy. The first set of lights I drive through after turning down crosses this street, if there are no cars its just a sea of people and you often need to stop at the green light because there are about 50 people crossing the road, but if you stop more of them go meaning you are stuck there until the light inevitably goes red and you are stopped anyway. So you need to creep forward making it clear you are not willing to stop for them but not actually hitting anyone. You then get away from sauchiehall street and into the main bus routes, almost every bus going south leaving the city drives down this street and they are all weaving in and out of the three lanes of traffic to get in and out of their stops. Then you pass Central Station which is pretty much exactly the same as crossing Sauchiehall Street, only with the added pressure of pedestrians who are running late for their trains and willing to take their lives in their hands in order to catch them!

Then you get to the Clyde bridge which used to be where the nightmare ended but now they have put in a new cycle lane which has moved the four car lanes over slightly making them completely out of line with the lanes the cars were in previously with no indication of which lane you are supposed to transfer on to, coming off the bridge is the same so often I go to the lane to my right because that's the lane I eventually need to end up in the only problem being that the car in the lane to my right doesn't know that I plan on doing that and if he tries to go into the lane on his left then we are both trying to get into the same lane at the same time which of course wont work out well.

MegL wrote on March 26, 2017, 9:25 AM

Driving in Glasgow sounds like a road safety nightmare!

melody23 wrote on March 26, 2017, 3:08 PM

Driving in the city centre is a total nightmare, I refuse to drive into town I will always get the train if we are going into town. The only time I drive through there is to come back from Costco because the one way systems pretty much mean I have little choice other than to go on the motorway and get back off it at an exit further away from home and double back on myself which takes way too long and that particular part of the M8 is possibly even worse than driving through the city centre! Outwith the city centre its not too bad as long as you mind the bus lanes