I just want a sick day
I have been feeling rubbish all week, pretty sure its some sort mild strain of flu. A few people in my work have it and lets face it my work is exactly the type of place you would pick something like that up.
Today I have a day off and I honestly felt like I had been hit by a bus this morning, so much worse than I had been feeling the last few days when I had to go work my twelve hour shifts in spite of my flu.
I was desperate for a sick day, just a day to lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself but it wasn't to be. I had to drive half an hour each way to go to Costco because I am the only one who drives. It was of course mobbed with it being a Saturday and the day before mothers day and I was honestly worried that I was going to pass out.
We then had to go across the street to Tesco to get all the regular food that you cant get in Costco before driving right through the city centre to get home where I almost ran down about 25 pedestrians who decided to cross sauchiehall street despite my light being green (if you have never been to Glasgow you wont understand but anyone who has ever visited the busiest pedestrian area in Scotland knows what its like to try to drive a car down one of the streets that crosses it)
I then came home and ventured into the kitchen to make some tea. I stay away from the kitchen as much as possible these days because every time I enter it I need to clean it and its getting beyond depressing. I recently bought a dishwasher and took the kitchen apart to accommodate it before steam cleaning the whole room within an inch of its life thinking that would solve the problem but apparently as well as being the only one who drives, cleans the bathroom, hoovers and knows how to manage money - I am now also the only person in the house that knows how to load a dishwasher too! Of course for the last 18 months I have also been the only one working.
It's been super hard for him with his depression and I honestly totally get that but I am getting more and more annoyed. He is quite capable of going to a group once a week, very capable of volunteering by teaching a class once a week and was even capable of travelling to the highlands for three days to go to a course that allows him to now teach this class. Yet he is still unable to get even a part time job and completely unable to do anything around the house when I am not here.
I feel really guilty for the way I feel but then I think why should I? I don't expect to come home to a sparkling palace with my dinner on the table the minute I come home from work but when I am not here for just short of fourteen hours to go to work is it really expecting too much to come home to find the dishwasher has been ran through?
Maybe I am too hard on him, he does do the cooking when I am working but I seem to remember when I had a less demanding schedule I managed to work, go to uni full time, clean the house and do ALL the cooking too.
I know this is a sign of his depression but he wont talk about it just says he doesn't know why he feels the way he does. I was in a state of depression myself a few weeks ago but apparently we cant talk about that because it makes him worse and he clearly has the monopoly on sadness in this house. Sometimes I want to run away.
Actually what I want to do is put a hidden camera up in our house and find out what the hell he does all day! I realise that's a bit extreme but I honestly want to try to understand. What if he is sitting here in the dark all depressed all day? Or perhaps he is sitting on his lazy bum all day doing nothing for no good reason, who knows? I'm mad but I don't know if I have the right to be. What a strange feeling.
Thanks for listening, I feel better.