By in Relationships

Advice please

Some of you will already know that I am in a relationship with a really lovely man who I met at the end of last year. Things are going well for the most part and I do love him to bits and feel so safe with him which is important for me given the breakdown that I had last year as I am still recovering.

One thing I am really struggling with in the relationship is finding time where we can just be us as a couple, Louise and Brad, as opposed to parents when our children are around. I probably sound like a really horrible person and it isn't that I don't like the time when the kids are around too. I love seeing him with my son and I like his son too. Our kids play well together which is massively important!

The thing is I get just four nights a month where I don't have my son. I work part time but where I work opens seven days a week so some of those days I may well be working. Brad works full time and also works every Saturday morning so late Friday nights with a lie in Saturday morning are off the cards generally. Saturday nights would be ok when I don't have my son but he is home at 10am on the Sunday and Brad has football coaching to go to so again there is little option to have a lazy morning and just enjoy being with one another.

I really feel awful that this is bothering me the way it is because of course we are parents and the kids are really important. We both know this but I am feeling in some ways that we aren't being able to truly embrace the "newness" of our relationship and are settled in to nights sat on the sofa whilst the kids watch a movie or whatever. Married life after just six weeks. It isn't a bad thing to be comfortable at all but when I had my breakdown last year not feeling like "me" and feeling just like "mum" was one of my big issues and I worry that will happen again.

How do you deal with things like this? Do you have any tips for me? I would love to hear them.

Picture is my own.

Image Credit » My own

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crowntower wrote on February 26, 2015, 6:38 AM

Words of affection... always bring the best to your partner, never let him grow into a box... support his dreams for you and your family, 2 Quality time -- which is something you complain about.... when you have kids it is hard, but you have to prioritized the kids no matter what... Quality time with each other is important too... it is normal that you want that because he is your spouse and you want time with him... just make the best time for him even just a minimal time to bond every week. Example when you both have no work the next day, be sure to have time when the kids are sleeping, and bond with each other watching movies, or late date dinner inside your kitchen, what ever. 3. Acts of Service - you might want to give him a massage or foot spa (it is already bonding time), 4. Giving and Receiving... give gifts... little gifts to surprise one another, books he likes, socks, ice cream whatever that you think he really want and did not expect to get one that day. God bless.

Hollyhocks100 wrote on February 26, 2015, 9:11 AM

Can you not arrange for time off at weekends for Brad, and the kids to spend a weekend elsewhere once in a while? Either with their other parent or grandparents. There has to be someway you can have some " couples" time alone and maybe a nice trip up to the lakes or Scotland.

LeaPea2417 wrote on February 26, 2015, 12:08 PM

Maybe you both could take a day off from your job (call in sick, play hooky), then hire a baby sitter for the kids, then take the whole day and you two spend time together doing what you want to do.

WordChazer wrote on February 26, 2015, 6:01 PM

To make 'you as a couple' work you have to involve the other parent of both your children, or other family members/friends on both sides willing to babysit for a few hours. Then you have to co-ordinate time off (way easier said than done, I know!) so that the times your children (both sons?) are away with their other parents or family are the time you can have your 'you time' just you and Brad. I know what you mean about not being you and just being mum. I need 'me time' with my husband where his family or my work are not intruding and we can just be doing things which we want to do, not what others tell us to do.

You should also never forget that you and Brad ARE parents first and foremost and therefore to your children you ARE their world. The kids are probably feeling as unsure as you are at times, wondering what's happening, are they going to lose their mum/dad to this new partner, be sidelined, shunted around relatives, babysitters and daycares. Involving them in what you're doing (and why) is as important as having time to yourselves. My friend's close friend is a divorced dad, caring for his two daughters, and they have both told him they are happy to have her in his life because she treats them like human beings and is fun to be around. As he had an accident before Christmas and is currently unable to drive, she has been doing the school run for them, shared with other friends of his, but they express a preference for travelling with her rather than others.

Good luck and God bless, hon.

MegL wrote on February 27, 2015, 8:59 AM

Do you have a "date night" written in on your calendar, that is just for you two alone? It should be unbreakable, except for emergencies. Nice to have one once a week and that's not too often.

CoralLevang wrote on February 27, 2015, 11:19 AM

Perhaps, you could carve even an hour or two out of the week, find a baby sitter for that time, and go for ice cream, coffee, a walk in a park, ... Any one of these things you could call a "quickie," which could also include a "quickie," if you should so desire! emoticon :winking:

GemstonePink wrote on February 27, 2015, 7:48 PM

Of course, the children are your top priority. That is very clear and the way it should be. Even on night a month without the kids would be beneficial to your relationship. Coordinating that is difficult, but with some work, it may just happen.