By in Relationships

Wishes that torture me!

As I sit here thoughts going back and forth between the day we met and the day we separated, my heart cannot seem to stop pounding. I want to forget your name but your face keeps popping back into my thoughts, seems like it is engraved in my mind! I can see your smile so clearly; that beautiful big smile that always had me weak at the knees.

I am tormented by the words that we used to exchange with each other; the 'I love you' and 'I miss you', my anger can't even pretend to be winning as these ridiculous feelings just won't let up. I told you that it was over, that I had moved on with my life! I remember how cruel and mean I was to you that cold night when I ended our love. You had grabbed my arm in an attempt to get my eyes fixed on your flawless but broken face but I stubbornly turned my back on you.

I needed you to hate me, to feel that I hated you. I wanted you to see that I meant ever last nasty word I spat at you. I desperately needed to feel what I was selling to you; to buy it and mean it. I am upset at love for taking your side, I am mad at my heart for being so weak and having a vacant space for you in it. Even as I smile at my new partner, as sweet and gorgeous as he is... I feel sick every time he touches me. His hands are nowhere near as electrifying as yours were. I don't want to look in the mirror anymore because my reflection is a liar.

She has lines of pain written all over her face, she is so shamelessly unhappy without you here. Even as I hear this sweet man say he loves me, I shudder because I can't say those works back to him genuinely. I am heartless, sat here with this innocent soul trying his best to fill up this empty hallowed hole you left. I am a monster for leading him on and using him in an attempt to forget about you.

You are terrible for keeping my heart as your own and refusing to release me. I can only hope that one day I will feel nothing for you, that I will stop wondering about you, stop taking sneak peeks at photos of us together during our most happiest days. I am a bad person because I wish that you were here instead of him but for his sake I wish you dead!

You make up the wishes that torment me day in and day out, you are my biggest weakness yet life without you has no taste.

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Madcanman wrote on February 1, 2015, 7:15 AM

Wow, either this is a fabulous piece of poetry, or some very real feelings. If it is real, I can totally relate, as I'm sure many will be able to. If you are truly suffering, know that time will heal. Sometimes it just takes what seems forever. Been there before.

Hollyhocks100 wrote on February 1, 2015, 7:24 AM

This sounds like what my daughter went through when the relationship ended with who she thought was the love of her life. Now she had moved on at last and is very happy with a new man. I hope the same for you .

elles-belles wrote on February 2, 2015, 3:32 AM

Hollyhocks100, I am happy that your daughter finally found the peace that she deserves. Feeling this way is so horrible that I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy! Thank you.
Madcanman; It is a piece of poetry based on my actual feelings. Thank you for taking some time out to read it and thanks for the well wishes.

KSmith84 wrote on February 2, 2015, 4:37 AM

Oh my gosh you sound absolutely tortured. I've been there before, I think most of us have. The good news is that the pain doesn't last forever. You will be happy again either with your lost love or with someone new. Keep your chin up and I hope you feel better soon.

elles-belles wrote on February 2, 2015, 5:47 AM

KSmith84 thank you so much, I am well on my way to recovery and it truly does feel good!

Magnolia wrote on February 2, 2015, 3:58 PM

I am sorry for the pain you are living through. Tomorrow will be a new day. Good things are coming. Just keep moving, you will make it,

elles-belles wrote on February 2, 2015, 4:09 PM

Thank you so much Magnolia, your words are truly encouraging!

Lushlala wrote on February 3, 2015, 12:41 PM

A beautiful yet tortured piece! I really enjoyed it, and hope you find comfort and make peace with it over time :)

elles-belles wrote on February 3, 2015, 12:44 PM

Thank you Lushlala.... I am glad that you enjoyed it.