By in Humor

I Don't Speak "Corporate-ese"

After repeated email entreaties sent supposedly on behalf of my friends (but really just data-mined from my address book), I finally inflicted Linked In upon myself. I have actually found it to be a pleasant little site, and although it hasn't been terribly useful so far for networking purposes, it occurs to me that I would actually have to try using it for networking purposes for that to pan out.

This is not really a review of Linked In, so don't get excited. One of the things that Linked In does, though, that amuses me is to send me email notices about potential jobs, the overwhelming bulk of which I am hilariously under-qualified for. However, I noticed this last batch contained a posting from a company at which my best friend works, so I checked it out to see if he might be interested. This excerpt is quoted VERBATIM from the posting:

"This individual will champion the product development process in predictable project execution to drive world-class product development time, product cost, and quality. The individual we seek has solid experience leading cross-functional teams through the full product development lifecycle.

Key Tasks and Responsibilities: Facilitates the definition of the program schedule. Executes and manages the schedule and risk mitigation elements of the project. Works with the project team to enable the success of the project and sub-projects within the product timeline. Emphasis on good stewardship of team resources.

Defines, communicates and closes the gap between customer expectations and actual schedule. Communicates the project status to the business unit, the team, the strategic marketing organization and the customer."

(I hope quoting a source without giving credit is not viewed as plagiarism. I don't want to knock the company by name. I promise I would NEVER take credit for writing THAT, anyway.)

Seriously, what the hell? I'm a reasonably intelligent adult--college graduate--okay, it was art school--but for crying out loud, WHY make things so deliberately difficult? Is it to force potential candidates to read more slowly, and thus pay more attention or take it more seriously? Do you think the person actually TALKS like this? Listen, if any of you think that stuffing your writing with deliberately specialized or rarefied terms makes you sound more intelligent, please disabuse yourself of that notion with a quickness. People who find it HARD to read you will not BOTHER to read you. Point taken?

Now close the predictable project execution and serve us up a heaping helping of risk mitigation elements. I'm starving!


Image Credit » http://pixabay.com/en/corporate-skyscraper-windows-387601/

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Comments

maxeen wrote on January 8, 2015, 8:25 AM

I was taught to never use a long word if a short one will do---

GedWrites wrote on January 8, 2015, 8:40 AM

When all you need is a name an e-mail and a telephone number, I don't see how this works in any great way, I have been in Linked In but just seems another money making venture for the owner alone.

stbrians wrote on January 8, 2015, 8:50 AM

The way I see it is that you speak the language so well. Congratulations and God bless youy

DDS1 wrote on January 8, 2015, 8:57 AM

I think our team based goal oriented environment has created the synergy necessary for me to move forward and implement a comment. emoticon :winking:

CoralLevang wrote on January 8, 2015, 9:05 AM

Sounds like some resumes come from senior-level military folks who are "transitioning." Just goes to show that upper echelons across-the-board do the same thing. So do the "wannabes."

As far a GedWrites and the claim about not working for except for the owner: I have to disagree, as I've seen this resource used over the years and it has been quite effective for those who use it as it is intended, as a networking resource using social media. I am not a paid user. I certainly agree that it is not the only way to build connections, and what I teach to my clients is that they have to not simply use a name and email, as you suggest, but to go a step beyond and learn to build relationships face-to-face, and quit hiding behind the computer. I have also seen an influx of people lately signing up on LInkedIn, who expect they can throw some information up on the site and then people will come knocking. If that was the case, then Monster.com or other sites would be successful ways for everyone to find a job. the majority of the time.

Ugh...I cannot get away from work . I think it's time for me to quit.

WordChazer wrote on January 8, 2015, 9:19 AM

Bully bingo full house!

CoralLevang wrote on January 8, 2015, 9:25 AM

AliCanary Gotta love HR types. emoticon :winking:
May I offer a rewrite? emoticon :winking: "We want a leader who will get the job done by making decisions that keep both the customers' needs and our bottom line in mind. This person must have experience and be an effective communicator with all people in our organization, able to use the 3- and 4-letter words, where appropriate, and not flinch when talking the B.S. to the self-important upper management.
Key Tasks and Responsibilities: Sets the damned schedule and then gets sh** done on-time. Doesn't waste time or money, and gets the team on the same page to get the job done.
Figures out what the customer needs and wants and makes it happen by making sure the team understands exactly what the fu** you need them to do, so that we (the company) can make the customer happy, 'cuz that's how and why we are going to pay all you folks. "

This is what my university degree in Communication has taught me how to do. emoticon :winking:

sward wrote on January 8, 2015, 10:19 AM

Excellent translation!

Feisty56 wrote on January 8, 2015, 6:06 PM

You do that so well. : )

Feisty56 wrote on January 8, 2015, 6:07 PM

Yikes! Mumbo jumbo Do you suppose this approach gets better qualified applicants or just those that play the game well?

bestwriter wrote on January 9, 2015, 12:16 AM

Writing simple English with short sentences only experts can do! I am one of those emoticon :tongue:

CoralLevang wrote on January 9, 2015, 11:43 AM

*bows deeply* Why, thank you! *blushes*

nbaquero wrote on January 10, 2015, 3:05 PM

AliCanary That is a standard job description, and

GemOfAGirl wrote on January 15, 2015, 1:25 PM

I have a career in banking, taxation and finance. I see this crap ALL. THE. TIME.

(P.S., Don't think that a degree from an art school disqualifies you from stating a useful critique of this. Writing IS an art. Just sayin'.)

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 12:31 PM

I don't necessarily try to "dumb down" my language, but I do try to keep it conversational. It's much easier to read and relate to something written in that tone.

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 12:34 PM

I think it's a good way to keep in touch with people on a business level for networking purposes. For example, a former coworker who has moved to another company can give you a tip about a position opening there. Also people post and share articles that may be of interest, and there are groups that can be very interesting and helpful (I belong to a couple of art groups, and we talk about using various media, marketing our work, etc). So yeah, overall it's good, if you use the tools they provide.

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 12:37 PM

Thanks very much! Best wishes to you, as well :)

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 12:46 PM

Ha ha ha! Oh, you are a fluent speaker, you are.

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 1:09 PM

Ha ha, the translator is set to "Keeping Sh** Real"!

AliCanary wrote on January 19, 2015, 1:12 PM

Ha ha, that sounds like some sort of code, but I think it's good!

WordChazer wrote on January 19, 2015, 1:45 PM

You've never heard of the time honored game of bullsh** bingo? Played during boring meetings or presentations where you award points for the number of times the speaker uses particular phrases. The winner is the one with the highest number of points and ends up with coffee/tea on the team for the next week. Alternatively you play it as a bingo game, and the first one to cross off all the phrases wins.

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 5:38 AM

Oh, that's awesome--it's like a drinking game for work! :D

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 5:50 AM

I don't think t sounds like "legalese", though, just like the typical buzzword BS that companies perpetrate. They are way too far up their own butts.

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 6:14 AM

Coral definitely got it right. She should write all their job descriptions!

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 6:15 AM

Ha ha! Good point. Isn't the law of attraction that like attracts like? If you put BS out there, you're probably going to get BS.

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 6:47 AM

You are very good at it.

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 6:48 AM

I imagine it is pretty standard, but it's like you have to learn a new language just to navigate career postings. I suppose that is their way of weeding out "undesirables".

AliCanary wrote on January 20, 2015, 6:54 AM

I always feel like maybe people don't take having an art degree seriously, even though it was a four-year college and there were plenty of academic courses (four years of art history is still four years of history). On the other hand, it really wasn't nearly as hard as astrophysics, so I have to just have a laugh and agree. Me draw nice, anyway.