By in Relationships

How can you sleep when…

I am not a poet or very fond of poetry but I am penning down just some random thoughts in the form of a poetry - recalling friends that are no more, with due apology from my friends who are good in poetry and find this so called poetic effort disjointed and devoid of weight.

When people living in your heart

And people who laugh with you

Live elsewhere and far

And laugh with others

How can you go to sleep

When the night is full of melancholy

And it is heavy with the remembrance with your thoughts

And there is no hope for a light anywhere

To brighten up your saddened heart

Then how can you sleep

When a strange film

Start to run in your memory lane

Showing people who were once yours

And are no more

How can you go to sleep then

And how can you sleep when…

When you lay on the bed

The bed you shared with someone you loved

With one side still creaseless and made

Looks far bigger and empty

How can you sleep then!!

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luisga814 wrote on January 7, 2015, 4:04 AM

I am not a perfect poet it seems you need to add more metaphors in order to get a nice form of poetry. Do not get me wrong.

LoneRanger wrote on January 7, 2015, 6:34 AM

Thank you for the critique - As I sad in my post I am not a poet and do not know the ABC of it. I just wrote what came to my mind. I think I am better off as a writer than a poet.

luisga814 wrote on January 7, 2015, 6:52 AM

But based on your idea, it is a good topic but you need to look for the right figure of speech especially metaphors. Sorry but do not get me wrong, we are here to give comments for the goodness of everyone. Good evening.

JustEm wrote on January 7, 2015, 8:32 AM

I like the way you portrayed your feelings in this poem. I actually have a hard time sleeping myself.

LoneRanger wrote on January 7, 2015, 10:01 AM

Thanks once again - I will continue to improve as and when I opt to write poetry. But as I said I am better off as a writer. Hope we keep interacting professionally. Stay blessed.

LoneRanger wrote on January 7, 2015, 10:02 AM

Thank you - as you can see my conversation above, I am still a beginner in poetry - what I write has no rules and is this disjointed. But I do hope I convey what I want to

JustEm wrote on January 7, 2015, 11:18 AM

I feel that is what poetry is all about. You are doing a good job as a beginner emoticon :smile:

seren3 wrote on January 7, 2015, 4:32 PM

I never attempt to crtitique poetry. Your mood is very strong and you have well conveyed your feelings in this verse.

LoneRanger wrote on January 8, 2015, 12:32 AM

Thank you - yes it is one's mood that is expressive in one's work. Some fine tuning may be required but by then mood is turned off. So when one wants to say something, it should be said instantly, because a delay can miss out things one wanted to say.